Often times, the reason many of us shy away from expressing our emotional struggle is because we are afraid it will overwhelm us and overtake our mind. This is because we often don’t realize the line between healthy emotional processing and harmful rumination. Here are two scenarios to help you differentiate between the two:
Diane works as a freelance interior designer, however since the pandemic began the market for her work had plummeted. It has been almost a year since she has received any projects. Diane feels like a failure in her career, the uncertainty of the future also weighs heavy in her mind. Although she feels this way, she doesn’t want to think about it or talk to anyone about it. She often finds herself lying in bed for several hours of the day, scouring the internet for work opportunities, but all her efforts seem in vain. During that time she unknowingly finds herself on “linked in” comparing her work profile with her more “successful” friends who’ve landed big projects. She felt like the world was caving in on her, “I actually thought I could make a career out of this?! Who was I kidding? I don’t have what it takes, I’ve always been below average, I’m incompetent” On most days, Diane feels trapped by the negativity of her mind and will do anything to shut it off. So Diane keeps her mind occupied with TV shows, her phone and part time work. However as soon as she hits the bed, she can’t turn her mind off, questions and fears trap her and she feels exhausted as though she had not slept the past 11 months. Diane had also developed digestive issues and her skin had break outs due to poor diet, she was too mentally drained to cook nutritious food for herself. Diane’s condition worsened day by day since she could not know how to cope with her difficult emotions.
What Diane was experiencing was rumination, she was avoiding her emotions and when she allowed herself to feel them, they would overtake her. Read about what would have happened if Diane had chosen to process her emotions healthily.
Diane decided 3 months into her job search, this was just not working! She need to deal with her emotions head on because they had been bothering her mind constantly. Diane knew that if she avoided her real emotions and allowed her thoughts to run unmonitored she would spiral down a dark pit of despair. Hence, she decided to follow a schedule where she would keep two hours each day to engage in job searching. When Diane noticed herself feel discouraged or overwhelmed she would immediately call a friend who would help her to see beyond her circumstances. If her friends were not available, she would take a break to mindfully write down her experience down on paper and cry it out if she needed. Allowing herself the freedom to feel her sorrow was quite liberating for her. She was being true to her emotions and she realized that her emotions are not always overwhelming, she has small moments in the day when she felt good and hopeful. Diane placed post its around her room encouraging her not give up hope, “it’s okay if you break down emotionally, just don’t believe the lie that tells you that it’s your fault, the pandemic affects everyone differently, this is not an indicator of your competency” If Diane felt emotionally exhausted she would take a break from her daily activities, listen to music or have a short nap. When she felt much better, she would write a to-do list of house work. Diane was able to prevent her sorrow or anxiety from pervading her life because she took action when they surfaced, her little efforts help her stay proactive daily and eventually after a couple more months, she found a work opportunity that paid twice as much as she expected. This experience taught Diane that noticing her thought patterns and managing her stress well impacted her overall happiness.
Did you notice what Diane did differently when she managed her emotions from the first scenario and the second?
Here are few ways you can learn the skill of emotional regulation by processing emotions in a healthy way:
1) When you’re feeling overwhelmed with emotions and self-defeating thoughts, don’t try to break them down or change them into more positive thoughts. It is important to feel your emotions as they are in a secure space where you feel least threatened. Create a safety plan for yourself in these time which would involve phoning a trustworthy friend to feel your pain as it is without judgements or any comments. You can even consider writing about your hurt, crying to sad music, taking a short nap, making yourself a warm drink and getting cozy, or doing anything that will help you release your emotions in a controlled environment. This is takes the pressure off, to ‘have it all together’
2) Once you feel calmer and ready to think better, keep a timer of 15 minutes where you will dedicate some time to face your challenges. Write down a list of things that upset you. Mention how it makes you feel and why it affects you. Try to articulate it as accurately as possible so you leave no room for rumination.
3) Once you completed this writing exercise, make a column listing out the part of the story which you are taking unnecessary blame for and is out of your control, (For example, in the first column Diane would mention the slow market which she does not need to take responsibility for)
4) Create another column including what changes you can and are willing to implement to make things better for yourself. (For example, in the second column Diane would mention making a target of sending her resume to 15 different organizations per week)
5) When doing this exercise take a note of the words you use such as “always, every time, never, should, must” and replace them will less extreme words such as “sometimes, one time, few times, could, would” (for example, Diane said that she was “always incompetent” which could be replaced with “sometimes didn’t do well”
6) Practice self-compassion by telling yourself, “it’s okay to not do well, It’s okay if mistakes happen, at least I put an effort despite the challenges, and that counts”
The better you get at "catching" your thoughts before they spiral out of control, the stronger you will become at combating them. This will help you process life events in a way that is helpful rather than harmful and your mind, body, and soul will surely thank you for it.
Read our article on "Learnt Helplessness and Developing a Growth Mindset"
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