“The key to finding a mate who can fulfill those needs is to first fully acknowledge your need for intimacy, availability, and security in a relationship - and to believe that they are legitimate. They aren't good or bad, they are simply your needs. Don't let people make you feel guilty for acting "needy" or dependent." Don't be ashamed of feeling incomplete when you're not in a relationship, or for wanting to be close to your partner and to depend on him.”
― Amir Levine & Rachel S.F. Heller
Building an emotional connection with people can be confusing experience, as it often incites one’s inner childlike tendencies. Especially when it comes to romantic relationships some may shy away from intimacy, or be too clingy, fearful, or anxious in a relationship. However this is not the case always for everyone. The kind of emotional bond that a person form with another is known as “Attachment styles” which finds its root in the original bond that we share with their primary caregiver i.e. Parents.
The way our parents responded to our need for love and attention act as the building blocks of how we interact with people in our lives during adulthood. Childhood traumas from abuse and not having the right kind of emotional support can bleed into our love lives through fear of abandonment, rejected or punished. These experiences affect how we view ourselves and others in the world. The strengths and weaknesses of our primary experiences influence the success and failures of our current relationships. Being able to identify the issues around our original experiences, including our struggles with vulnerability and our sense of shame, will help us resolve our present relationship obstacles. As adults we have the freedom to recognize that our parents/primary caretakers were only doing what they thought was best despite it being flawed. We can accept these facts without blaming our caregivers. We also recognize that the way we form bond with people can differ from scenarios and environments, we may not perfectly qualify within all the characteristic of each style yet we may resonate with the general theme:
Attachment styles are often exhibited within a relationship, especially when that relationship is threatened. For example, someone with a secure attachment style may be able to share their feelings openly and seek support when faced with relationship problems. Those with insecure attachment styles, on the other hand, may tend to become needy or clingy in their closest relationships, behave in selfish or manipulative ways when feeling vulnerable, or simply shy away from intimacy altogether.
Often children expect caregivers to provide a secure environment growing up. Security implies not only physically but emotionally as well. If one or both of the caretakers were not able to give this kind of security to the child. (E.g. terminal illness, divorce, alcoholic) The inconsistency of their support or present causes the child to develop wounds of abandonment or neglect. As children their only mode of survival was to be preoccupied with trying to get their need met by their parent, often causing them to neglect the journey of finding themselves. Their poor sense of self stems from the fact that they couldn’t discover their unique identity, values, likes, interests etc. This lead to the thinking of “I will be whom you want me to be so you can stay or you will approve of me”. These experiences cause their sense of worth and identity to be linked to certain conditions which when not met, develop a deep sense of shame. They assumed that the problem was with them, when in reality it was their parent who was not fulfilling their role. Parents too may have been unaware of the implications of their actions as they could have been dealing with their own personal struggles. Unfortunately, Children don’t realize that parents have their own challenges and believe that they are responsible for the disconnection. Eventually a pattern of taking responsibility for their parent’s role extend on to future relationships where they find themselves constantly chasing after their partner when they sense any disconnect. As adults they fear radar is on overdrive and this makes them overlook the unnecessary burden they are carrying. They constantly assume that they need to change and adjust themselves in order for the relationship to work, when in reality it takes two to tango.
This behaviour is known as the “Anxious Attachment style” where the partner is constantly preoccupied with thoughts and feelings of uncertainty and gripped by a fear of rejection or abandonment. They may tend to incessantly request for attention and reassurance. They become hypervigilant of their partners need for space and misinterpret it as a threat; “Why don’t s/he love me as much as I love them?” Although, they experience emotional intimacy, they still repeatedly question their partner’s commitment to them. They are so preoccupied with the relationship that their whole world begins to revolve around them, almost to the point of “fixation”. Those with the attachment style may start to lose sight of who they are in the first place.
Continue reading how to develop healthy attachment here: “Building Blocks of Love – Part 3”
Read Our previous Article incase you missed it here: “Building Blocks of Love – Part 1”
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