There’s an old joke that goes
“All you are doing is listening to what I say to tell me I’m wrong!”
“Maybe you’re right.”
As a Mental Health Practioner in the making, I find it hard to simply listen. Part of it stems from my eagerness to contribute to the conversation, that if I don’t contribute, I might be left out or picked last, part of it to show off the knowledge I have but most of it boiling down to a simple inability to just listen. There’s always a frantic need to find answers, to reorient the client to finding solutions that sometimes I forget that it is important for the client to take their own time, that the journey is at their pace and not mine.
Esther Perel, Belgian psychotherapist in her YouTube Interview with Peter Attia “ Trauma- how narratives shape our worldview and why we need to accept uncomfortable emotions” talks about how in her practice, she was often told to just listen instead of trying to pitch in because as her supervisor kept reminding her “We have two ears and one mouth for a good reason- remember the 75% listening 25% speaking ratio in mind” and she found it incredibly difficult until she realized that most clients just wanted to be listened to.
What exactly is listening?
Listening is an effective skill used in counselling setups as well as in interpersonal relationships to make the other person feel heard, seen and understood. The beauty of good listening is that it does not force’s one’s view onto the other person, thus shifting their experiences to fit ours.
Listening would inevitably include a host of other qualities such as visual contact which would imply looking at the client while we speak to them and communicate warmth and interest when speaking as well as having an open body language and be genuinely interested in what the client has to say. Ineffective listening would open up a space of mistrust as the client would immediately feel that the therapist was pushing their ideologies onto them and that there was no safe space to be just listened to. If listening skills are not used appropriately the basic foundation of therapy, empathy, falls apart.
Listening can be even more important in multicultural client settings where the client is not sure how to trust the therapist who employs a questioning style. In such examples, the therapist needs to be mindful to ask questions that are sensitively placed and a good balance of both listening but also self-disclosure as that may allow for trust to take place.
When a therapist learns to listen, it may not just be about silence. The therapist could also use Encouragers such as “mm”, “go on” to allow the client to continue. Silence allows the client to open up and share more information than if they were just being questioned. Silence and listening thus helps the client feel share what they feel comfortable sharing at that particular point in the session without having them feel “put on the spot” every time a therapist asks a confrontational question.
Is there something as too much listening? Sometimes, unfortunately yes. Too much listening and not even action or appropriate paraphrasing can make the client wonder if the therapist heard them, leading them to ask something like “Didn’t I just say that?”
When before silence made me, as a therapist feel uncomfortable, like I had to jump in to say something or that it will be immensely awkward, by now with practice, I am learning to strike a balance between listening and intentional speaking. The speaking to reduce the awkwardness eliminates by itself once we understand that each time the client is silent it is most probably because they are thinking of what to say next. Silence isn’t all that bad for a therapist either- they can simply use this time to gather up what to say next or to paraphrase. Silence is golden if a delicate balance between listening and intentional speaking is achieved.
References
Ivey, A. E., Ivey, M. B., & Zalaquett, C. P. (2013). Intentional Interviewing and Counseling: Facilitating Client Development in a Multicultural Society - Standalone Book (8th ed.). Cengage Learning.
Comments